iPhone mini: «The people calling my screen ‹microscopic› have got some nerve»

It’s a crisp Monday morning in autumn. Clutching a steaming cup of coffee, I’m outside our editorial offices, waiting for my interviewee: the iPhone 13 mini. It’s a drizzly day, and the cold is creeping up under my coat. At the same time, my mood is tanking. The smartphone and I had agreed to meet at 9 a.m. Though it’s now twenty past, there’s still no sign of the iPhone 13 mini.

«I’ve actually just been stood up by a gadget,» I mutter to myself.

Erm, no. I’m here!

What? Where?
Right here! I’m standing right in front of you.

Oh! I didn’t see you there. You’re a lot smaller than I thought you’d be.
Well, that’s just great. Now even Galaxus employees don’t notice me. And here I was thinking you produced quality journalism.

No, no, that’s exactly what we do. I’m sorry I didn’t notice you. But maybe that’s a good segue into our interview. Just how tough is life as an iPhone mini?
Jeez, where do I start? For one thing, I keep hearing that I’m not a real iPhone, even though I’ve got plenty of really good technology inside me. I’m talking full HD resolution, a 12-megapixel camera and an A14 Bionic Chip with a 4-core GPU. Unless you’re an influencer or a pro filmmaker, that’s more than enough for personal use.

Is that the only thing bothering you?
No. I’m forced to listen to people – especially men – telling me that my keyboard is too small; that they keep hitting a bunch of keys at once. I can’t help it that some folks with Y-chromosomes have sausage fingers, though, can I?

Some people have said they’d need a «microscope» to see your screen ...
A microscope ... These people have got some nerve! You can’t apply that description to smartphones at all.

Can’t you? Can you explain why not?
Really? Well, I hope lots of people will read this and put an end to all the prejudice.

Usually, a couple thousand people read what we publish here.
Okay, not bad. You see, car sat navs are the ones with the microscopic screens. Do I look anything like Google Maps to you?

Smartphones

Apple iPhone 13 mini

256 GB, Starlight, 5.40", SIM + eSIM, 12 Mpx, 5G

1270

Smartphones

Apple iPhone 13 mini

256 GB, Starlight, 5.40", SIM + eSIM, 12 Mpx, 5G

1270

How does this prejudice – this guilt by association – make you feel?
I don’t really like talking about feelings. I am a technical device, after all.

Go on! I’m sure our readers will sympathise.
Okay, I’ll try ... To be honest, I’m in a really bad place at the moment. And Apple isn’t exactly helping. The mini series isn’t selling as well as it was hoped, so it’s supposedly going to be discontinued. Just like that! Instead of thinking about how to improve me, those so-called experts in Cupertino are just going to toss me onto the smartphone scrapheap. In a few years, I probably won’t get any more software updates and then ... then my screen will go dark forever.

That sounds terrible. Hey 15 mini, are you crying?
Yeah, sniff. I’m actually IP68 certified, which means I’m waterproof. But sometimes I break down and the tears come.

Here, take a tissue ..
I feel like a species that’s dying out, like a phone booth. In the beginning, all iPhones were actually smaller than me. And people were pleased about that, because the small ones were light, fit into any pocket and could easily be used with one hand. But none of that counts for anything these days. Today it’s all about bigger displays, better performance and even better cameras.

So you’re not a fan of the more powerful iPhones then?
Don’t give me that! Pro, Max, Plus ... Who can even keep up anymore? The size difference between the regular iPhone 14 and the plus version is even starker than with the 13 and 12. These pathetic show-offs always have to go one better! They probably think they’re iPads!

That’s a lot of pent-up anger.
Can I tell you something?

Of course.
I hear voices sometimes.

Sorry, what?
Well, sometimes I hear a voice inside my circuitry, and it makes me afraid that I’ve got something wrong with me.

So what does this voice say?
Say you ask it how tall it is. It’ll respond with, «I’m neither tall nor short, but I’ll be there when you go through highs and lows.» Or if you ask it what sound a fox makes, it says, «yee-ah! yee-ah!»

No, no, I can assure you that you’re not paranoid. That’s Siri, your voice control.
That’s Siri? And I thought I was hearing digital ghosts. Shouldn’t Siri have better AI and speak more like a real person by now, though? I mean, it is 10 years old!

Yeah, but it still talks like it’s three because Apple’s been struggling with Siri’s development. Didn’t you know that?
No, that really did pass me by. But that business with Siri makes me feel kinda reassured. It means the iPhone mini isn’t the only product Apple is neglecting. Sighs.