A how-to guide for separated parents

Childless couples who break up are in luck, all things considered: they can leave and choose to never interact again. Parents, on the other hand, don’t have this luxury. They remain intertwined through their children. And for the children’s sake, they must remain civil in their interactions. Easier said than done. After all, the breakdown in communication likely goes way back, and you’re likely dying for some peace and quiet after the separation.

Which pitfalls should you avoid in this situation? How can you avoid them? And what can you do if you find yourself caught in one? Here are my eight tips – based on ten years of experience as a separated father.

1. Recognise when enough is enough

If we’re being honest, knowing when a relationship is over is no mystery. Thanks to our intuition, we know our own minds. The underlying problem is that honesty always has consequences. If you admit to yourself that you don’t feel sufficiently loved, understood and respected in your relationship, this calls for immediate action. You’ll have to actually break up with your partner, then inform everyone around you, nurse a broken heart, look for a new flat, file for divorce, accept financial losses, and deal with Tinder. All rather unpleasant prospects. So, it’s no surprise that people shy away from the whole thing and justify remaining in their incompatible relationship.

But is avoiding what may well be a difficult – but ultimately brief – period of upheaval really worth it? After all, the alternative is emotionally crushing yourself and your children for years to come through an atmosphere of perpetual dishonesty, stress and frustration

You know when enough is enough. And as shitty as a break-up can be, it’s way shittier to live a life of anguish because you’re determined to endure something that, frankly, no longer works.

2. Understand what a separation really is

The most unpleasant thing about a break-up is our own perception of it. When we fall in love with someone, we take this hormonal surge to be a sign of maximum compatibility as well as a guarantee that this feeling will last a lifetime and eliminate any future difficulties. So, it’s only logical if we react to a break-up with disappointment, anger and hurt. After all, the outcome is the exact opposite of what we had hoped for and expected from our partner. We feel wronged – see ourselves as innocent victims – and the person we once loved morphs into the ruthless offender. And, to make matters worse, our social circle often reinforces this view of the situation.

However, a break-up is nothing more than the simple realisation that, contrary to our original conviction, our partner is not a good enough match for us. Nobody can help that. Just like nobody can help the fact that a Canon lens isn’t compatible with a Nikon camera. The two just aren’t made for each other. And when you try to force them together, they break, right, David Lee?)

It’s very important that you see your separation for what it really is. It’s not something you’re doing to your partner, and it’s not something being done to you; it’s a necessary stepping stone that will lead you both to a better place.

3. Embrace the paradox

There are two sides to separated parents: first, they’re people who have just gone through a break-up and are carrying feelings of hurt, grief, and anger. Second, they’re parents and have to keep the daily routine going. The two seem impossible to unite: how are you supposed to deal with someone you’d preferably deport to Pluto? And how are you supposed to deal with all the accompanying emotions in addition to caring for your child?

Embrace this paradox. It’s not your enemy; it’s part of your new life as a separated parent, and it holds a whole set of valuable lessons for you:

1. You learn how to control your thoughts and emotions (more on that in a moment).
2. You learn how to communicate constructively (more on that in a moment).
3. You learn to live with contradictions.
4. You learn to focus on what’s important.
5. You learn to stand on your own two feet and take responsibility for your own satisfaction – financially, emotionally and socially.

Of course, you can also reject these lessons and sink into resentment and self-pity instead. You can demonise your ex-partner, declare them the culprit for everything that goes wrong in your life and sulk away the rest of your days. The number of people who do just that is not insignificant. However, this decision – and it is a decision – will cause you, your ex-partner, your children and any new partners to suffer. So, try to resist the lure of your wounded pride.

4. Tame your thoughts

The emotions that arise from a break-up are fierce, leaving even a physical mark. It’s only normal for your mind to fight them with all its might and get lost in a string of ifs, buts and whys. But – it won’t do you any good to dissect and lament your new life situation. It won’t undo the break-up, and your mind’s protest is really an attempt to keep difficult feelings at bay.

What feels bad about a break-up is not the break-up itself – it just makes you sad. What actually feels terrible is the mental resistance we exert to avoid feeling this sadness. So, as soon as you notice that your mind is only thinking about the break-up and all the ways it could have been avoided, tell yourself, «Stop!» – out loud, and as many times as it takes to feel better. Or to feel at all.

5. Celebrate your emotions

There’s a fitting idiom that comes to mind: «to bottle up your emotions». It’s how we typically deal with unpleasant feelings. Namely, we don’t. We like to think of ourselves as being «above that» and just want to «get over it». We pretend that everything is dandy and under control. But after a separation, nothing is under control.

So, let out all the grief and anger. But don't direct it at your ex-partner – that won’t help anyone, especially as they’re preoccupied with their own emotions, too. Hop in your car instead – it’s a prime place to curse like a sailor (preferably parked somewhere). Vent all your frustrations until you can’t think of anything else to say, cry for as long as you need to and then go back home. Go dancing, running, climbing or to the shooting range. Lather, rinse, repeat, until you feel better.

A break-up always digs up old feelings that haven’t been dealt with and entangles them with the current ones. Take this opportunity to do an emotional spring cleaning, ideally with the support of a professional. Ask yourself in what other situations you’ve felt as sad, angry, hurt, helpless or afraid as you do now. The journey into your emotional past will take you through this separation as well as past ones – including those from your childhood, which is where the majority of unresolved feelings lie dormant. Go ahead and get back in your car, and tell your parents what you’ve always wanted to tell them.

6. Communicate constructively only

Accusations are nothing more than badly communicated needs. This method didn’t work during the relationship, and it doesn’t work afterwards either. There’s nothing to discuss now that concerns you as a couple, because you’re no longer a couple. If there’s anything you’re desperate to get off your chest, write a letter to your ex, sleep on it, and only then decide if you want to send it.

One of the biggest pitfalls of co-parenting is continuing the previous dynamic, but at two different addresses. To avoid this, talk only about your children and their care. Be sure to find an appropriate channel where you can regularly vent your emotions (forest, car, shooting gallery, therapist).

7. Each child has four parents

In psychology, there’s the concept of an emotional bridge between the parents, on which the child walks. It doesn’t matter whether the parents are a couple or separated – what’s important is how they contribute to the stability of this bridge. You can also look at it this way: each child has four parents – mother, father, the father’s image of the mother, and the mother’s image of the father. And the child needs to feel safe with each of these parents.

You strengthen the emotional bridge by trust, appreciation, tolerance and willingness to cooperate. You weaken it by devaluation, mistrust, aggression and sabotage. In other words: you can find your ex-partner’s behaviour as dumb as you want, but spare your children from these thoughts at all costs. If you don’t, you’ll cause your child confusion and distress, and, in the worst case, conjure up a tangled web of loyalties in which everyone loses.

If your ex’s behaviour upsets you, stop for a moment and ask yourself why you feel that way: is there something unspoken still brewing between the two of you? Do you have expectations that don’t fit your new situation? Are you secretly trying to interfere in your ex’s life? Or do you refuse to move on? If you have a legitimate cause for complaint, address it with the person it concerns. Never talk poorly about your ex-partner in front of your children. It’s better to say nothing and then withdraw to your basement and hurl insults at your ski equipment.

Always have the welfare of your children in mind, not the welfare of your ego. Ask yourself this: if I was the child in this situation, what would help me most? And what wouldn’t help me at all?

8. In a nutshell

Breaking up is difficult and painful – especially if you’re parents. You need to find room to deal with all the resulting emotions, but you also need to set clear boundaries. It’s not your children’s fault that you broke up; and it’s not your fault nor your ex-partner’s fault, for that matter. No one is to blame, no one has failed, no one is evil, no one is bad. Support each other as best as you can, and don’t get in each other’s way. Be good parents by making sure that the emotional bridge is always safe to walk on – even through a bout of wind or hail. Seek external help for this as often and for as long as necessary.