And cut! Horror on the Twilight set with Chuckesme, the killer doll

Vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson) and human woman Bella (Kristen Stewart) are terribly attached to each other. But Edward must resist the temptation to bite Bella and drink her blood. That would be a big pooh-pooh, because then she would also become a vampire.

Werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner) is also in love with Bella. Incidentally, werewolves are the vampires' greatest enemies. That makes everything terribly complicated. But then Bella has a baby with Edward: Renesmee is born.

What is it all about? The most grotesque use of a baby doll ever not seen in a film.

Renesmee, the hideous CGI baby

The Twilight series does not belong on my list of favourite films. Absolutely not at all. I remember watching the first instalment for the first time about ten years ago. Without prejudice, giving it a fair chance. Then I thought it was "rubbish". Or vampire crap, werewolf crap... whatever.

And now I'm writing about it. Who would have thought? I certainly didn't. But this story, which took place during the filming of the fourth part, "Breaking Dawn: Part 1" - it's too good not to be told.

This isn't about the highly dubious concept of a child sired by a vampire. So, you understand, a vampire, basically a walking corpse with poison in its veins, fathering children - I don't know. But there you go. The makers had a completely different problem anyway: In the original novel, Renesmee is a rapidly ageing baby with superpowers. She may only be one day old, but she's already as mature and expressionistic as a ten-year-old.

Acting babies are quite rare, however. Apparently that's why the film features a computer-animated baby. You can see this in the clip below, where a fan has made a montage of the scenes in question, including the song "Baby Mine" from "Dumbo".

And yes, I know, the music really doesn't make it any better.

Oh boy.

What might work in written form - a baby acting more mature than her age suggests - just looks grotesque in filmed form. And wrong. I can only guess what the makers were thinking. Apparently they tried to paste the face of child actress Mackenzie Foy onto a baby. Watching the CGI baby acting gives me the creeps.

Be that as it may. The computer-animated baby is in the film. And the entire internet hated it. That's not surprising. I mean, take a look at this:

Off. No, it doesn't get any better.

But you know what? The story about the vampire baby doesn't even end. In fact, it didn't even start here. Because before the CGI baby, there was another, much uglier abomination - only nobody knew about it when it was released in the cinema.

What you're about to see was only released years later on the "Collector's Edition".

Chuckesme, the killer doll

Before the computer-animated child, the Twilight makers probably thought something like: If you can do it for real, without CGI, then do it for real. I think that's great. Who wants a computer-animated baby in a film that apparently listens to stage directions?

The only thing is: if I wanted to film a real baby in real life, I would have used a real baby. Not so the Twilight makers. It was clear to them: a remote-controlled baby doll had to be used. Because - damn it - a real baby isn't real enough for us!

Ay caramba.

At least the makers have shown courage by publicly admitting what they've done. But the devil's spawn (actually vampire spawn) look as if they are staring directly into the souls of their victims. Their cold, empty eyes follow you, step by step, into the deepest depths of your nightmares, which were caused by this devilish spawn. Or is it? Well, I certainly need therapy to get this monster out of my head.

The good news: Chuckesme, as this unholy demon was nicknamed, was considered too scary for the target audience, even by the film makers. The puppet went straight back into the puppet box. The bad news: I suspect that the makers subsequently agreed never to do anything as irrationally crazy as using practical, i.e. real, effects again. The idea of creating Renesmee on the computer was born.

So really. Was there really no one who reached out at some point in this seemingly endless odyssey and found: "Guys, the author can describe Renesmee as an overripe baby, but we'll never film it!"

Obviously not. And if you're wondering why the doll nightmare thingy has been nicknamed Chuckesme:

Because of this.

Do you know a funny story or hair-raising anecdote about cinema or filmmaking? Then write it in the comments or send me an email. Maybe it's exactly your story that I'll tell in the next "And cut!" issue.