«At your age, I was much more of a rebel than you. My fight was much more desperate»

Olivia Leimpeters-Leth

30.12.2022

Translation: Jessica Johnson-Ferguson

Mother-daughter relationships are always special. Especially intense, especially beautiful, especially complicated. And the relationship between me and my mother is no exception. Time to take stock – from woman to woman, from mother to daughter.

A relationship between closeness and distance, holding on and letting go, autonomy and dependence. Every mother-daughter relationship is unique. But they all have one thing in common: the bond between mothers and their daughters is the strongest of all family relationships. This has been revealed by a study published in the Journal of Neuroscience. The authors explain that there’s a closer bond between mothers and daughters than between mothers and sons, fathers and sons, or fathers and daughters. Put simply, the reason lies in the way we’re wired emotionally. Mothers and daughters show particularly similar structures in the areas of the brain responsible for emotions. According to the study, mothers and daughters are more able to empathise with each other.

Mother

Daughter

I’m one of the lucky ones, as the relationship with my mother is a very harmonious one. As the second born, I’m not only the baby of the family, but also predestined to be a mummy’s girl, no matter what age I am. But the following also applies to the relationship I have with my mother: friction generates heat and there’s no relationship without strife. My mother and I talk about our good relationship, being a mother, being a single parent, and why my mother always had a rapid drug test at home.

Olivia: What would you think of me if you met me today?

Jutta: I’d think you were an athletic, outgoing and fun-loving young woman.

Olivia: That’s a nice image. Were you also outgoing and full of life at my age?

Jutta: At your age, I was much more of a rebel than you. My fight was much more desperate. I was fighting every norm, my parents and the traditional, rigid and completely unchallenged rules they imposed on me. I wouldn’t let myself be forced into a mould all the time. What do you make of me today?

Olivia: I still see a rebel. A successful woman – independent and impressive. A loving mum but strict when it mattered.

Jutta: When was I strict with you?

Olivia: Even as a young child, I knew I had to get a good education and wouldn’t be allowed to stop before I had a master’s degree. Anything else wasn’t an option in our family.

Jutta: It’s true, that was always important to me. I was the first academic in my family. My doctorate opened many doors for me throughout my life and has done miracles for my self-image. Of course, that’s what I wanted for my children, too. Other than that, I wasn’t strict though, right?

Olivia: Well, you used to tell us to stay away from alcohol because you could see in our pupils the following day if we’d been drinking. Is that true?

Jutta: No, I can’t see alcohol in pupils.

Olivia: So it was a lie? I was always so careful!

Jutta: That was my plan. I also had a rapid drug test handy at home. Just in case.

Olivia: Is this what you pictured motherhood to be like? Drug tests and white lies? As a young woman, what did you think life with children would be like?

Jutta: I didn’t have much of an idea, to be honest. I just didn’t want things to be like they were between me and my mother.

Olivia: Why not?

Jutta: The relationship was very distant. My mother never saw me as a person, but always as a child. We never had deep conversations but only spoke about what I should and shouldn’t do. And everything she was afraid of was forbidden for me.

Olivia: Did you find it easy not to be like that?

Jutta: Even as a child, I knew I didn’t want to be like that. But I also had a different start to motherhood than my mother. My mother didn’t want children, and to me, there was nothing more important from the day you were born. My life revolved around you. It wasn’t hard, I simply wasn’t interested in anything else any more.

Olivia: Did you manage not to repeat that relationship with your own children?

Jutta: You tell me!

Olivia: Definitely. At least from my point of view. I remember our relationship very differently. I’ve always been a mummy’s child. I also knew there was nothing more important to you than us. Just being able to sit here with you and have this conversation proves how close we are.

Jutta: What would you do differently if you had children?

Olivia: Not much. You were always very concerned about our safety – at times, this felt restricting to me and I wanted to break free from it. However, now that I’m an adult, I appreciate how valuable it is to have a mother like that. Who knows what you saved us from. I think I’d be just as careful as a mother.

Jutta: There came a point in my life where I was the sole responsible for two young women. I was so worried about all the things that could happen to you. Especially when you were out late at night or were involved with difficult partners. I just felt like I needed to be very protective. Letting you go was something I often struggled with.

Olivia: Speaking of difficult partners. Remember when I told you about my first boyfriend? Maybe the time has come for you to be honest about that relationship.

Jutta: Yes, I agree. Plenty of years have passed since then. I had quite a shock at the time. You were 14 and he had a moped! That’s not what you want to hear as a mum. I knew you were too young. But forbidding it would’ve led you to meet him secretly. Forbidding things has always been pretty pointless in your case.

Olivia: Maybe I’m more of a rebel than you give me credit for. Perhaps it’s what we have in common most?

Jutta: I generally feel you’re very similar to me. In many respects. We’re both very meticulous with a penchant for perfectionism. We share the same love for music and have the tendency to fight fight passionately for social issues. Overall, we roughly agree on what constitutes a successful life.

Olivia: I agree. I’d add that we both tend to picture worst-case scenarios when we’re under pressure. We both struggle to be optimistic. And yet, I feel that our relationship today is mostly positive and easy. How would you describe it?

Jutta: I also associate it with many positive things. Two terms come to mind. «Trust» and «autonomy». You’re not emotionally dependent on me and that’s great. Everything we do together is because we choose to and not because of rituals of any kind. Obviously, things weren’t good all of the time. Our relationship has grown over the last 30 years. Not least because of all the highs and lows that go with it. And that’s what’s forged our bond. You can’t always see the positive side of this kind of growth in a relationship.

Olivia: The terms I associate with our relationship are «warm», «at eye level» and «intimate». You say our relationship has grown over the last 30 years. How would you say it’s changed over the years?

Jutta: Well, I’d say it’s mainly changed with your needs. That’s because the needs of a person – from infant to adult – are constantly changing. The need for closeness changes, as does the role you have as a mother. I no longer need to keep checking how you’re doing. That’s very different with young children. My personality’s also changed over the last 30 years.

Olivia: Now that’s interesting. You played a decisive role in shaping my personality and gave me many important things in my life. You taught me how to play the guitar, gave me a good education and supported me in almost all of my life’s decisions – even though I now know that wasn’t always easy for you. And what did you learn from me?

Jutta: A certain degree of boldness. Time and time again, I was amazed by how naturally you pulled off things I thought would never work. For example, that you went abroad for four years when you were 19 years old without having any major crises. I thought that was pretty remarkable.

Olivia: Thanks, that’s nice to hear. Until now, I thought that trait of mine was more of a burden for you. Today, I’m very grateful for the cosmos we created in our family. For being able to grow up freely, without much worry and for having space for a bit of boldness. What are you grateful for today when you think about us?

Jutta: For everything. That you got your education and are going your own way. And that I never had to use that rapid drug test.

Olivia Leimpeters-Leth

Autorin von customize mediahouse

oliver.fischer@digitecgalaxus.ch

I'm a sucker for flowery turns of phrase and allegorical language. Clever metaphors are my Kryptonite – even if, sometimes, it's better to just get to the point. Everything I write is edited by my cat, which I reckon is more «pet humanisation» than metaphor. When I'm not at my desk, I enjoy going hiking, taking part in fireside jamming sessions, dragging my exhausted body out to do some sport and hitting the occasional party. more

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