Confession: I’m a shopaholic

When I boot up my iMac in the morning, I put on my headphones and turn on some music. Then I read my e-mails and check the Digitec website to see what the wonderful world of technology has to offer – specifically, what I could buy. A second pair of headphones, for example.

Next, I look for new music on Bandcamp. I already have quite a lot – over a terabyte – but I’m still finding new great stuff. Fashion is also an endless source of temptation for what I unfortunately have to call an addiction.

Actually, «unfortunately» isn’t the right word. I’m glad I recently admitted to myself that I’m not in control of my buying behaviour – Quite the opposite, in fact. It’s controlling me. That the feeling I get when researching, ordering and unpacking products isn’t joy, as I’ve told myself for years – it’s a rush. And that I experience withdrawal symptoms when it doesn’t materialise.

I made an appointment at the Zurich addiction centre. After a few minutes, the friendly young therapist said: «You’ve already taken the biggest step, Mr Meyer – you’re here. Well done.» It was like a scene like in a film.

When asked about my psychological stress, I described it as very high. Ever since I started earning my own money, i.e. for around 30 years, I’ve spent a lot, which has repeatedly led to money struggles and, as a result, considerable stress. The addiction therapist asked me to formulate a goal. «I want to only buy something once or twice a month,» I said. «How often are you buying things at the moment?» she asked.

I didn’t really know. Not every day. But probably every other day. I definitely think about what I could buy at least every day – for several hours. I don’t give in to every impulse like I used to; I now use lists and try to sleep on a decision before making a purchase. This stops me from buying a lot of things. But I still end up with plenty.

I was given a consumption diary to record when I buy something, the circumstances, how I feel about it and how high pressure to consume is. «It’s much worse than I thought!» I reported in horror at my next visit to the addiction specialist centre. «That’s normal,» said the therapist. «It happens to everyone who becomes really aware of their consumption for the first time.»

I told people around me that I was in addiction therapy. At first, people were shocked because they saw me as so level-headed (as if that has anything to do with it). Then most of them said: but everyone buys too much!

Of course, shopping’s an essential part of our culture. We’re constantly encouraged to do it – advertising has invaded every corner of our lives. Digitec Galaxus also has daily offers and frequent brand or category promotions. The capitalist system is designed for us to constantly spend money and presents this process to us as either smart (by saving) or self-care (by rewarding ourselves).

Yes, we all shop too much. But that doesn’t help me. It’s just an excuse, and I have enough of those already. The most important one is that I really «need» something. Unfortunately, that’s often true. If you move something around in the living room and need a longer ethernet cable, that’s not an excuse; it’s a real need (unless you’ve changed your living room to buy a new cable).

Of course, there are plenty of things I don’t «need». For example, that thirtieth shirt. But it goes so well with my favourite trousers. Looking stylish is always a strong argument. You could easily achieve this with lots of things that are already in the wardrobe, but they’re «old» and so no longer «good enough». That’s why I «need» the new shirt: to be more fashionable than ever. It’s exactly the same with music: the new album expresses my attitude to life even better than the one I bought the day before yesterday.

(My problem may be significantly exacerbated by the fact that I worked as a copywriter for 15 years.)

I don’t «need» any more clothes or music, and I have enough unread books. What I actually need – as I discovered through addiction therapy – is a reason not to have to deal with my emotions. And I have quite a few of those. The uncertainty of self-employment, all kinds of personal challenges, war in the Middle East, war in Ukraine, the erosion of democracy and the middle class, the threat of nuclear war and the increasingly obvious fact that we’re facing a climatically catastrophic future and a second Trump term do not help me sleep well. These things occupy my thoughts. They make me sad, angry and helpless. Every day.

At this point, I’d like to say that there are things that make us all sad, angry and helpless every day. And anyone who says otherwise is just fooling themselves. The question is: how do we deal with it?

Basically, it doesn’t matter whether you buy too much, drink, smoke, smoke weed, do coke, date, work, have sex, exercise, clean, eat, fast, kill time on social media, are generally always on your phone or are preoccupied with other people’s problems – these are all effective methods of regulating your emotions. They activate the reward centre of your brain, release dopamine and distract you from yourself. Sometimes for half the day.

Addiction stops you from confronting yourself.

A shocking plan

I agree on a plan with the specialist from the addiction centre. «Set something realistic,» she says. I think about it and decide on: «I’ll only buy something every other day.» I’m pretty shocked that I don’t trust myself to go without for longer. But I’m supposed to be realistic.

It works – but I have to work at it. Every day, I have the urge to order something – more than once. And the urge isn’t at all happy that I’m consciously resisting it.

I almost burst with pride when I can tell my therapist I’ve achieved my goal at the next session. The feeling of helplessness I’ve had for years because of my own behaviour has diminished considerably. My next plan is to take a two-day break from consumption.

That works, too. The same goes for the three-day break. Then I get too cocky and commit to only buy something once a week. In the second week, though, I have to move the shopping day that was scheduled for Saturday to Thursday. It’s not my fault – it’s the fault of the person who returned a drone to Digitec, which is now available for resale at a reduced price.

(Yes, I already have a drone with a weaker sensor, which is why I «need» a better one. That’s why I «have to» bring the day forward. But, of course, it’s my fault. I thought the low price was a good enough reason. Which it actually is!)

I’m buying a lot less, which is clearly reflected in my bank account. However, I often spend the days I don’t buy anything researching, and even more so on the days I do buy things. I scour the internet before I buy something and then carry on afterwards. I could’ve bought the wrong thing! Which would be a good reason to buy the right thing. Or there could be something better to buy in the meantime. It never ends.

«No, addiction!»

My addiction is an eloquent devil. It constantly tells me that I don’t have to endure my feelings of stress and powerlessness. They’re unnecessary emotions that I can get rid of at any time by visiting Digitec, Galaxus, Bandcamp and AliExpress (yes, it says «and», not «or»).

I didn’t even use to notice this voice; I was so subservient to it. Now I can even contradict it: «No, I’m not buying anything now. I’d like to and I know what, but it’d only be a distraction. That’s why I’d prefer to deal with my current emotional pressure and think about what else I can do about it.»

There are definitely things you can do. The simplest is to do nothing at all. Then you might be angry for a short time. Or sad. Or even for longer. But you can let it go – you don’t have to do anything. The feelings I constantly avoid aren’t that bad. I just seems to fundamentally decide not to want to feel them.

It’d be good if shops slowed things down!

«Hello, Mr Meyer. This is Florian Teuteberg, CEO of Digitec Galaxus. We’ve noticed that you’ve been buying from us a bit too often – are you OK?» Of course, the call never came. Nobody stopped me. As long as you pay, you can keep ordering.

The Swiss Lottery Association Swisslos has what’s known as player protection with mandatory and voluntary limits. I think that’s good, and I think online shops should offer something similar. Customers should have the technical ability to set their own limits. At least I was able to deactivate the payment by invoice option on m Digitec Galaxus account.

I regret spending all that money. I’d be in a much better financial position today if I didn’t have this problem. I’d also have more self-respect. It’s not great to admit that you have a problem with addiction. But it’s actually the first and most important step to overcoming it.

I still have a long road ahead of me. I had an expensive relapse while I was writing this. I’d once again fabricated a need, as the best copywriters do, and, full of lust – there’s no other way to describe it – I immersed myself in the research bubble.

Unlike before, I no longer enjoyed the search – it stressed me out. And the purchase didn’t give me a rush; it made me feel shame. Because it was on a non-buying day. And anyway – the gadget wasn’t even fun to use.

As my therapist confirmed, these are all very good signs.

You can find help at the Zurich Addiction Centre or an institution near you.