First time at a swingers club: what couples should know

Some couples use swinging to spice up their sex lives. But what actually goes on at these sex parties? And how should inexperienced newbies behave? Sexologist Dania Schiftan speaks about the allure and no-nos.

Dania, what is the idea behind swinging?
Dania Schiftan: First and foremost, it’s about being having different sexual partners in a safe setting. The concept is primarily aimed at couples who like to have fun with other couples. There are special dating platforms to cater for this. Occasionally, swinging couples find like-minded people through open and honest conversations. But the majority will connect in a specialised club.

What’s a swingers club like?
Many people associate the term «swinging» with dinginess or seediness. However, reputable providers in Switzerland or just across the border are anything but that. Instead, these locations are incredibly clean and well maintained. Some of them have a theme, others are decorated in a particular style. Often, you can also have a lovely meal there, too. The staff working at the doors also make sure everyone who goes in fully understands the code of conduct. Some places hand out different coloured wristbands that indicate who’s up for what.

You mean, if someone just wants to watch or is up for sex?
Exactly. It’s quite a procedure to inform and brief participants. The goal is to give people the best experience possible and avoid unpleasant encounters.

Why do couples decide to swing in the first place? What’s the attraction?
Swinging is all about sexual encounters with other people, not about falling in love or cheating. For example, this setting allows participants to live out certain fantasies or gain new experiences that they wouldn’t have in their everyday life as a couple. Swinging allows couples to enjoy a form of sexuality that would take a lot of effort to organise outside of the club. Things like watching other couples have sex, threesomes or partner swaps, for example. A swingers club is a kind of playground for adults.

Do people swing solo, too?
Yes, they do. However, it’s not always allowed and depends on the club and the specific event. I advise solo swingers to do some research and read reviews beforehand to avoid unpleasant surprises. For example, ending up in a club that allows solo swingers but is inattentive when it comes to who’s attending. This could leave you with (too) many men in proportion to women. This type of imbalance can be awkward for participants.

It’s your first time swinging: what should couples look out for?
The most important thing is that both partners are really up for the experiment. That’s the basic requirement.

So it shouldn’t be a favour for your partner who really wants this?
If you’re talked into swinging, it can become a very negative experience with the pressure and stress that creates. It should never be done purely in the interest of the partner who wants to swing.

How should I react if my partner suggests going to a swingers club out of the blue?
When it comes to sex, couples usually implicitly agree on a specific course of events. But if a person’s needs change and they let their partner know, this will catch the other person off guard. I always think it’s great when couples are generally both open to anything unexpected. When they refrain from dismissing their partner’s desires and suggestions or perceiving them as a threat, and instead show curiosity and interest in them.

OK, let’s assume a couple is certain: yes, we want to do this! Are there other no-nos for your swinging debut?
To have your first swinger experience with friends or acquaintances. If it’s negative, the friendship is at stake. I recommend exploring your preferences in a professional, anonymous setting first before involving people you know.

To put it another way: what can you do as a couple to make your experience as positive as possible?
The same applies as when you go it solo. It’s best to look into it beforehand. Checking out the club, for example. That way, you’ll know what to expect. Talking to experienced swingers could also be helpful. After all, fantasies are one thing, but reality can be completely different story. At the club, couples should be a safe haven for each other and offer support, making sure the partner who’s less adventurous is calling the shots and setting the pace. I advise couples to talk about what they want out of it and what their expectations are beforehand. It might even be a good idea to stay in your constellation as a couple the first time. This way you can have sex with each other and just let yourself be observed as a first step. After that, you can take stock when you’re back home: how safe did I feel? How aroused? What didn’t work? You can then consider involving other couples on your second visit. That way you can take things step by step without having to jump in at the deep end. What’s important is to talk about the experience every time.

For the last 15 years, Dania Schiftan has been working as a sexologist and psychotherapist in her practice in Zurich. She’s also a psychologist at Parship. You can find out more about Dania and her job in this interview:

All other articles in this series are here: