«I dunno»: the pointless comment epidemic

The internet is a wonderful thing. At least in theory. You see, for every plus point (being able to find people you used to know), there’s an even more glaring minus (people you used to know being able to find you). An especially poignant example of this contradiction are customer reviews. On the one hand, they’re enormously helpful because they give you a realistic impression of a product. On the other hand, the fact numerous users believe «does what it’s supposed to» and «top» are thoroughly meaningful reviews make them utterly useless. Or, thirsty for revenge after a delivery goes awry, customers dish out a 1-star rating without even making a judgement on the product.

When Amazon, followed closely by Digitec Galaxus, introduced the option of asking the Community questions, the development was initially a breath of fresh air. After all, even the most well-founded reviews don’t always reveal the detail you’re wondering about at a given moment. Say, «Will my 9-year-old be able to inflate this stand-up paddle board by themselves?» or «What’s the maximum duration of a time-lapse recording?» A useful answer is usually just around the corner.

Useless ones, however, are never far behind. «No idea» or «Dunno»
are becoming increasingly common responses.

Nope, you’re just as clueless as me

Right, so you don’t know the answer either? Then why, pray tell, are you wasting your time and mine by writing this pointless comment? Did you do stuff like this at school? When your teacher asked the class, «What’s 84 divided by 7?», did you throw up your hand and shout «I don’t know»? No, you did not. You kept your trap shut. A completely appropriate thing to do if you don’t know something.

Another no less annoying variety of pointless answers is whataboutism – the bad habit of derailing a discussion by bringing up a different, semi-related topic because you’re out of arguments. Here’s how it plays out:

«Can I use label A to print the parcel labels from the Swiss Post website?»
«I use label B for stamps.»

I didn’t ask about label B or stamps, you broken foghorn of a human being! Read what it says! Did you do that at school when your teacher wanted to know what 12 divided by 6 was? Did you shout, «I know what 8 times 4 is»? No, you did not. Because that wasn’t the question!

The reasons people do this are a mystery to me. I suspect it’s a sort of frenzied hunger for recognition that seizes every conceivable opportunity to seek other people’s attention. But it’s not other people’s fault if you feel unseen. It’s your problem, and you need to find other ways to solve it than hogging the time of people around you. Remember, these people get an e-mail from Digitec Galaxus saying someone has answered their question. Pleased to have got a response, they excitedly go to check it out, only to discover that you’re literally clueless.

That said, maybe you think that the only person who’ll get to read your answer, in the form of an e-mail, is the person who posted the question. Or maybe you’re just polite to a fault. Maybe you make a point of answering when someone asks you a question. But let me tell you this now: everyone sees your answer. What’s more, the question wasn’t addressed to you personally, but to all previous buyers. Nobody will ever find out that you didn’t answer. So it’s totally okay to keep schtum!

Three desperate requests

First things first: If you buy a product, write a review to help others learn more about it and decide whether or not to get it. What do you like about it? What do you not like? Why did you go for this particular product and would you do it again? It’ll take five minutes out of your day. But if you don’t have that time to spare, don’t bother. Giving 3 out of 5 stars with zero explaination as to why helps no one. Painfully brief assessments such as «Does what it’s supposed to» are no use to anyone. It’s not a review, it’s laziness dressed up as an attempt at being funny. Every time I read this sentence, I hate it even more. «Does what it’s supposed to», I tell you! I could even say that about my butthole.

Secondly: Don’t get me wrong, it’s annoying when there’s a hiccup with your delivery. But it’s not relevant to other people. Please keep stuff like this to yourself. Or if you absolutely have to mention it, briefly do so alongside the negative points. But don’t judge the product based on its journey to your door. These two things aren’t related. It’s not like you leave a negative Google review for a restaurant because you got stuck in traffic on the way there, is it?

And thirdly: If someone asks a question, only respond if you have a suitable answer. Only then. Spare us the frigging stamp chat if nobody’s asked about stamps! Just suppress the impulse to immortalise yourself on the internet. Say nothing at all.

Protect the digital environment!

Remember that TV ad for Focus magazine? At the end of the commercial, they’d say: «Always think of the reader!» The same goes for you, too. Is what you want to say relevant and helpful to other users? Or are you just a little bored right now?

There are already more than enough ill-considered, inane posts in the online comment sections of daily newspapers and on social media. Protect the digital environment! Don’t pollute the online airways winding through the wonderful world of cameras, smartphones and Lego sets! Think of the next generation, who really don’t want to know what you don’t know.