Journey to China: Mystery of Iron Mask review: Jackie Chan meets Arnold Schwarzenegger
15.7.2020
Translation: Patrik Stainbrook
The trailer seemed interesting: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jackie Chan in hand-to-hand combat. But the film shatters all hope: what did I just watch? «Journey to China: Mystery of Iron Mask» is ridiculous.
Arnold Schwarzenegger fighting Jackie Chan. That's what «Journey to China: Mystery of Iron Mask» promises – without a «the» before «Iron».
This Russian film is the sequel to the 2014 action blockbuster «Viy», and is known as «Viy 2: Тайна печати дракон» in its homeland, roughly translated as «Secret of the Dragon Seal». Since the movie pits Jackie Chan and Arnold Schwarzenegger against each other, the distributor Universal probably thought that western audiences might also enjoy the movie. After all, «Viy» was the most successful movie of the year in Russia. So the sequel can't be bad, right?
Oh yes, it can. The movie is bad. Very bad. It's so bad that I wish I could take back the two hours I wasted on it.
What's it even about?
The main problem of the movie lies in the script. Screenwriters Dmitry Paltsev, Alexey A. Petrukhin and Oleg Stepchenko might have gone slightly overboard. All that's missing are aliens. At around 90 minutes into the 120-minute cinematic patchwork, I wouldn't have been surprised to see aliens passing by, joining a toga party and then winning Wimbledon by fighting vampires riding seals.
The plot, as far as I understand it, goes something like this: an English cartographer (Jason Flemyng) travels from Russia to China. Why is never really explained, but it can be assumed that he wants to map the area. This can be deduced during the second opening credits at around the 10-minute mark. After all, movies like to have a second lead-in with credits and everything these days. The cartographer is joined by a Chinese boy ( 姚星彤 – Yao Xingtong, also known as Helen Yao), who's obviously played by a woman. The reason for them travelling together is never really explained. As well as why they bring a fuzzy dragon mascot with them. Probably for merchandising purposes. After all, if the creepily cute Porgs work for «Star Wars», then why couldn't it work with this nameless dragon puppet? Except that their fuzzy dragon monkey leans more towards scary than cute.
Be that as it may, the cartographer isn't important. Or is he? We never really find out until the end. Because when we enter the Tower of London prison, we see a man in an iron mask sitting next to Jackie Chan. The guard is Arnold Schwarzenegger, playing a Brit. This Austrian who can't pronounce an English word correctly to save his life is said to be British. Of course. Even his die-hard American small-town sheriff Ray Owens from 2013's «The Last Stand» seems more credible.
The man in the iron mask is supposedly Tsar Peter I, who ruled over the Russian Empire between 1682 and 1725 in our timeline. I don't know why he's wearing an iron mask. Everyone knows who he is from the start anyway. Which is probably why he takes it off half way through. So in essence, the titular «Mystery of Iron Mask» isn't «Who's behind the mask?», but «Why are you wearing that bloody mask?»
As soon as the squad gets to China, it feels like we've travelled back in time 1000 years. They're surrounded by mysticism and magic. Currently, the humble farming population is struggling under the terrifying regime of the dragon witch (Li Ma). She might have something to do with the implied plot from the initial opening credits: it's about the eyebrows of a dragon that have healing powers.
If that wasn't enough, don't worry, the movie still has plenty to talk about. In about an hour and a half, we've seen pirates, robots, scientists, negotiations about the tea trade between Russia and China, eels, alchemy, triangular relationships, underwater cities, a musical number, Chinese painting Russian bellies, Russians painting Chinese bellies and a side plot about dads. Not necessarily in that order, but it doesn't matter. At no point in time is the film even remotely coherent. It seems as though the screenwriters simply put together a series of beautiful set pieces and spent as much of the 49.1 million dollar budget as possible.
But what about Jackie Chan versus Arnold Schwarzenegger?
When an off-screen voice isn't raving about the beauty of Lake Baikal, we see the tsar languishing in Arnold Schwarzenegger's prison next to Jackie Chan. When the 66-year-old Chan decides to flee – why is never explained, but that doesn't matter – the Chinese madman has to face the Austrian-American mountain.
As short as the scene is, it's good.
Both Schwarzenegger and Chan know what they're capable of. Jackie Chan shows that he's still up for stunt work in his old age, some of which even 20-year-old Hollywood professionals wouldn't dare to perform.
Arnold Schwarzenegger may look insane with his moustache and wig, but he still looks great at 72. But even he knows that he can't match blows with Chan as a kung fu fighter. We expect him to throw people and heavy things around. That's it. The result: Jackie Chan thunders into walls head-first, Arnold Schwarzenegger eats quick blows to the face and the scenery suffers along with both. Add to this the only funny dialogue in the entire film, and you get the best situational comedy of the movie.
A pity that it only lasts a few minutes before the movie forgets that Schwarzenegger and Chan are there. «Viy 2» then hard cuts back to Russia/China and does a lot of incomprehensible things. If you're only interested in the two action legends duking it out, then wait until a clip of the scene gets posted on Youtube.
How the movie could be saved
Apart from the legendary battle, the film isn't beyond saving. Therefore, I'll try to bring the film from incoherently bad to coherently passable using only what the movie gives me.
My version of the film is about a Russian cartographer. I'm leaving out the English completely.
Our protagonist meets a mysterious Chinese boy who needs a job. The cartographer needs an assistant to do all kinds of things for him. Excellent, because the cartographer wants to go to China to map the country. Only thing is, he doesn't know Chinese. Which is why a native speaker of Chinese is perfect as an assistant.
They cross the icy Baikal and the hot desert.
Arriving in China, they find a village in turmoil: the Dragon Witch is up to no good. She has learned the old healing powers of dragons, making the villagers dependent on her for their health. Which is why the witch is poisoning the water supply. That way, she has a steady supply of sick villagers. Whoever doesn't do what the Dragon Witch wants will die.
The cartographer and the boy don't like this. Turns out that the boy isn't a boy at all, but the rightful princess of the Dragon Witch's domain. She can't stand watching her people being exploited and oppressed. Her return is celebrated by the villagers, and she herself is a gifted Kung Fu fighter, with a bit of magic on the side.
The rebellion begins.
The Dragon Witch sends her magical soldiers into the field. The princess has no chance. Many villagers lose their lives. The cartographer doesn't really want anything to do with the conflict, but he can't stand the suffering. He offers to help with western steampunk technology.
His companion has her doubts, but she still wants to free her master, played by Jackie Chan, from the dungeon of the Dragon Witch using cloak and dagger tactics.
The rescue operation threatens to fail. But at the last second, the Russian cartographer, who can do steampunk stuff, intervenes. The master is freed and warns the princess, his student, that if the rebellion is to become something, she needs all the help she can get.
The cartographer now needs red cloth to make gliders for the villagers. They'll be used to attack the Dragon Witch's fortress from the air, opening the gates from inside. Red cloth? One of the farmers on the edge of the village knows a mysterious westerner who always walks around dressed in red. Since he's also more mountain than man, could he have some spare materials? The man calls himself James Hook, but speaks in a foreign accent. Nobody knows exactly who he is, where he gets his goods from and why he's there. He's a little shady, but hard to miss. And why is he wearing a custom-made British soldier's uniform? I'm envisioning Arnold Schwarzenegger's part in this film like Hannibal Chau (Ron Perlman) from «Pacific Rim».
The master and Hook don't get along at first. Fight scene. They learn to respect each other. The tiffs between the two of them fade into the background
Together with the villagers, our motley crew prepares to fight the Dragon Witch.
Voilà, a coherent film. Sure, my version of «Journey to China: Mystery of Iron Mask» won't win an Oscar either, but I don't want one anyway. I want to make a film that's consistent in itself, makes sense and entertains.
Because the original definitely has some entertaining moments. Somewhere. The ideas aren't bad individually. The CGI is okay, the sets are well done, the costumes are interesting and the fight choreography is pretty passable. Speaking of battle scenes, in my version the princess always fights using the Chinese Wuxia style. This includes wide camera angles and a lot of whirling in the air, with gravity perceived more as a suggestion than a rule. The Westerners on the other hand fight with shaky cam, close ups and fast cuts.
In the finale, the princess faces the Wind Warrior, Arnie takes on the Stone Warrior and the cartographer has to reluctantly defend himself against the Lightning Warrior. Wuxia, hard fights and nifty tricks. Jackie Chan? He's everywhere, single-handedly keeping the soldiers of the Dragon Witch at bay in spectacular fashion. Jackie Chan needs many elements in his fight scenes to play with. People, furniture, weapons, whatever. And he can also take on the Sonic Warrior, who gets defeated by a gadget.
In the end, our band of heroes face the Dragon Witch in person. And she plays her last trump card: the dragon.
The princess steps in front of the others and says: «I'll do it».
That’s it. «Journey to China: Mystery of Iron Mask» doesn't really have a journey to speak of. There's no Iron Mask mystery and very little of the titular mask itself. But «To China: of» would probably be a somewhat stupid title.
Journalist. Author. Hacker. A storyteller searching for boundaries, secrets and taboos – putting the world to paper. Not because I can but because I can’t not.
