Mimimi: McAfee, fuck you!

This morning I received a new test notebook from Asus. This is always a reason to celebrate. Not because the device comes from Asus, but because it fulfils both curiosity and a sense of discovery. A bit like children's chocolate.

Well, actually it's not that great. Because there are two things that have been bothering me about new PCs for months:

1. I'm not allowed to keep the test device

2. McAfee Internet Security.

Get lost, you tick

Really adorable how well Asus looks after me. Their laptops not only come with Candy Crush Saga and Minecraft pre-installed, but also a trial version of Office. All things that I absolutely need - not!

No problem, because all these pre-installed gifts end up in software nirvana after a click and a few seconds.

However, with McAfee, every Asus PC has been a pain so far:

If you click on "Uninstall" in the pre-installed McAfee security programme, you will be bitterly disappointed. Instead of the uninstaller, a small window opens that tries to load a website. But it always shows no content. Instead, it only asks you to refresh the page.

Wait a minute, what's this crap?

Has someone in the manufacturer's quality assurance department had one too many drinks at the Friday aperitif? Or does McAfee not understand why Microsoft has included the "Add and remove programmes" option?

The fact that McAfee could simply be a cheeky software manufacturer trying to pin me down as a customer naturally doesn't occur to me as a gullible person. No, I would never assume anything like that.

Registry turmoil

Well... never mind... the whole thing isn't really a problem, because as an old hand I know how to remove software without an uninstaller. At least I think I do.

I spend the next 45 minutes removing all the files and registry entries by hand like a savage. This is more tedious than I remember. The registry entries are endless and I occasionally ask myself whether I really know what I'm doing.

After completing the work and rebooting, I feel as proud as a Spaniard. But what follows is the next disappointment. Unfortunately, the programme entry has not disappeared!

But that's enough for now. This bloody poo is really pissing me off. I briefly ponder whether I should swear like a threshing floor driver, a barn thresher or a brush tamer. Out of consideration for my editorial colleagues, however, I swallow my anger for the time being.

It seems that it's not just my face that is wrinkling and furrowing as I approach 35. My brain also seems to be less well synchronised than it was a short time ago. For the first time, I can't do what always worked under previous versions of Windows 10. Part of me is incredibly ashamed of this, but I try to rise above it. After all, you're only stupid if you do stupid things. Acting rashly is only minimally stupid...

McAfee, I'm going to get you!

If I had been able to keep this laptop, McAfee would never have got in my way. Because then I would have set up the PC from scratch and only installed what I really needed. But in my job, everything speaks against it - after all, the device should be tested as it is delivered (but without McAfee, Candy-Shissl and other nonsense).

Of course, I could just ignore McAfee. But I can't do that, because McAfee already has several processes running in the background even without active use. Cheeky! Like a big yellow pimple, something like that won't let me rest. This thing has to go, otherwise my autistic streak will feel uncomfortable forever.

In any case, I reset the notebook after my registry fiddling, drink a coffee, worn down ... and have the best idea I've had in a long time: Google!

Google is king

Thanks to Google, I learn that McAfee not only refuses to uninstall the programme in the normal way, but also provides a solution to the problem it has created. How generous. The solution: the McAfee Consumer Product Removal Tool.

So let's take note again:

• McAfee refuses to uninstall normally
• McAfee is apparently not thinking about fixing this problem
• Instead, the MCPR-Tool offered

Are they actually taking the piss? The pure intention behind this is to make me, as a test subject, white hot! They can save their trial version for the future. If I ever find McAfee on an Asus again, I'll just call it Anus in future.

The MCPR tool from McAfee is only 10.1 MB in size. But the security provider's server only delivers 64 KB/s. I wait around three minutes for it. I feel like I'm being bullied again. It leaves me completely speechless.

But one Ricola later, McAfee has actually disappeared from the computer.

I'm happy - not!