Bullying starts small
German, Andrea Erkert, 2022
My kid? A bully? No way!
21.2.2023
Translation: Katherine Martin
Bullying is a phenomenon that shapes everyday life, be it at school, at work or online. But is it the same story for very young children? Can hair-pulling and toy-snatching give rise to bullying?
Recently, a fellow mum I’m friends with asked me whether my son had told me about a quarrel he’d had with her daughter. I was slightly unnerved, «Huh? No, how come?»
Turns out, her daughter had said my son had taunted her at daycare with a «you’re a poo!» He’d also forbid her from playing with their once inseparable, four-strong gang of toddler pals. The poor girl was so hurt by his harsh treatment that she didn’t want to go to kindergarten anymore. I was gobsmacked. My son, the sweetest child on earth, who never goes to bed without a cuddle and a stuffed animal, who always makes sure to sneak something to the poor dog under the table at dinner, supposedly taunts other children? So much so, in fact, that they don’t want to be anywhere near him?
Until that point, I wasn’t even aware that children of that age (my child is three) were capable of bullying. Or is that even what it’s called if you’re talking about kindergarten kids?
When does teasing become bullying?
«Bullying is when people intentionally and systematically cause another person physical or psychological harm over a long period of time,» says Brigitte Göbel. Working from her alternative psychotherapy practice in Pinneberg near Hamburg, one of her qualifications is as a bullying counsellor for children and adolescents. «Bullying isn’t an isolated incident – it’s a dynamic process that aims to exclude somebody,» she explains.
Okay, phew. The little man has a hard time playing for more than half an hour with the same toy, let alone remembering to brush his teeth regularly. Carrying out repeated verbal attacks on his kindergarten pal with the aim of permanently ostracising her? Not a chance.
Bullying can start at age 6
According to Göbel, bullying among children begins at age six or seven: «Bullying requires a long-term methodical approach.» Children of daycare age, she says, aren’t cognitively developed enough to be capable of this. «There may well be a tiny number of exceptions, but ‘real’ bullying generally doesn’t happen at daycare.»
But what about my son’s behaviour? According to Göbel, the squabbles he’s been involved in are actually conflicts which form a natural part of the development process. Nevertheless, she goes on to explain that «the first basic forms of bullying» are present as early as daycare. An example of this is emotional blackmail, which children often express by saying, «You’re not my friend anymore!»
The foundation for bullying can be laid at daycare
That rings a bell. Just yesterday, I’d refused to help my son tidy up some toy cars, which for some inexplicable reason had wound up on the sofa. Without missing a beat, he yelled, «You’re not my friend anymore!» So that was him emotionally blackmailing me. Successfully, I might add. Because, of course, I did help him in the end. Not necessarily because of the blackmail, but because I wanted the sofa back in its toy-free state.
According to Göbel, the foundations for bullying later on can, in fact, be laid at daycare. For instance, there are «very dominant children who take on the role of ringleader, which gains them the admiration of other children.» There are also children who «continually demonstrate aggressive behaviour.» Kids who learn that they can be successful with these behaviours might go on to bully others.
According to Göbels, this is where educators come in. She adds that regular communication between caregivers is especially important: «They should intervene whenever they notice a long-term imbalance of power between children.» When this happens, a mutual solution should be found, for example, sitting down with both kids to establish rules around behaviour.
What if the child doesn’t want to go to kindergarten anymore?
However, things get difficult when a child doesn’t want to go to kindergarten anymore. In such cases, the issue needs to be addressed at the root. «The reason for something like that doesn’t necessarily need to be the daycare itself. Instead, it might be explained by conflict within the family, the arrival of a new sibling or illness,» Göbel says. She’s also got some advice for parents of children with a tendency to tease their peers: «It’s worth examining the issue more closely, figuring out what needs the child is fulfilling by teasing or excluding others.» Sometimes the behaviour serves a coping strategy to deal with frustration or insecurity.
This considered, I’ll be paying attention to whether my son is regularly involved in conflicts in the future. This time, however, I was able to breathe a sigh of relief. My son and the little girl at kindergarten have long since made up. The «bullying» was only of a temporary nature – to be exact, it lasted one day. As parents, we’ve never been able to fully figure out why there was a falling out between the two of them and whether my son was the driving force in the dispute. From «she made me go ‘ouch’», to «Mummy, she took the blue ball off me – she can’t do that!» to «I don’t want to be your friend anymore», there were a few explanations on hand. I guess that means I can still trust that my kid is an innocent little lamb with a head of blonde curls, who’d simply been having a bad day.
Header image: Shutterstock / Roman Yanushevsky
A true local journalist with a secret soft spot for German pop music. Mum of two boys, a dog and about 400 toy cars in all shapes and colours. I always enjoy travelling, reading and go to concerts, too.