Relationship maintenance: how to fix a friendship

I’ve experienced many fallouts in my circle of friends, as well as deep rifts and serious conflicts. One of them, quite literally, pushed me to the verge of a nervous breakdown. To me, my friendships have been integral to shaping who I am. I consider my friends family. They also keep me healthy and mentally balanced.

But what happens if it’s over? You’re left standing before the ruins and your emotions. It hurts so bad. Why this is the case can be explained with attachment theory, developed by child psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby some time ago. The theory states that friendships can show similar attachment patterns and dynamics as romantic relationships. Therefore, the end of a friendship can evoke the same feelings of loss, sadness and uncertainty as the end of a relationship.

Neurological studies have also shown that the end of a relationship may activate the same brain regions involved in physical pain. So it’s understandable you’ll want to restore that pre-conflict comfort zone you had with your BFF – or at least try to establish a new comfort zone you can share.

How to repair a friendship

My good friend and I recently managed to pull this off. We met up one day and realised that the resentment had gone. We’d let go. The past hurts were only memories. But neither of us could explain how we’d managed to reach this point.

Since then, I’ve been obsessed with this question. Why won't some of my friends talk to each other even years after their fallout? And why did this particular friendship survive despite deep crises and disappointment? I got answers from Christine Mark, Systemic Organisational Consultant and Coach with a focus on design thinking, co-creation and individual and organisational change processes. Frankly, I was astounded by her replies. Who knows? They might help you as much as they helped me.

**When a friendship ends, or a circle of friends falls apart, it really hurts. Why is that? **

Christine Mark: Because there are several things at play. For one, there’s a primal fear of being excluded from a group. Of not being loved. Of not belonging. And that’s precisely what’s going on in such a case. Whether you’ve fallen out with one person or an entire circle of friends, you’re no longer part of something. This puts your whole system into a state of panic.

And then there’s the aspect of separating, which is usually the final step of a long process, preceded by feeling hurt, misunderstood, blaming and being blamed. The break-up is the «crowning glory». And if you haven’t processed any of the issues, you’ll be handed a whole package of pain.

Often, we feel separating is failing. And as failure is still considered negative, we’ve learned that making mistakes is a bad thing. So if something goes wrong, we’re quick to find someone to blame. It couldn’t have been our fault, after all... And so, we blame the other person for making us fail.

**What precautions can you take to prevent a break-up happening in the first place? What can you ask of your circle of friends? **

You shouldn’t be asking anything of your friends. It's a matter of being connected to yourself instead of holding your friends accountable for your feelings and happiness. That’s the main problem in all relationships: as soon as you need the other person to behave in a certain way to make you feel good, you’re ridding yourself of responsibility. Plus, you’re imposing on the other person that they’re somehow responsible for your wellbeing. But your wellbeing is your sole responsibility. Just as you’re not responsible for other people’s feelings, they’re not responsible for yours.

This radical form of taking responsibility isn’t something we’re familiar with. However, it can be learned. And therein lies true freedom and unconditional love. Acquiring this skill takes friendships to a whole new level – away from needing and towards mutual respect and honesty.

**Why are we so afraid of saying unpleasant things or arguing, even in friendships that are very close? **

Because we’ve learned that feedback says a lot about ourselves. We learn early on, or during our school days at the latest, that our worth is determined by others. Our parents and teachers would say if we were «right» or «wrong» on a daily basis. And now we’re hooked on that judgement, because we believe our value is determined from the outside. So we’re constantly afraid of what other people might think or say about us. And because this is what we fear, we want to protect people close to us from this judgement. This, in turn, stops us from speaking our minds.

But once you recognise that feedback, be it praise or criticism, is just a statement about the needs and desires of the other person, you’ll be able to deal with the opinions of others. Feedback tells us more about the other person. It’s not an assessment of ourselves.

And that’s why we struggle when friends disagree with us. We believe they’re deeming us (or our opinions) to be wrong. Once you liberate yourself from this conception, you can become a curious listener and start appreciating that you're actually getting to know the other person better. In this state, you'll also have room for opposing opinions – and, in turn, be able to form your own. Why? Because it’s no longer about protecting or defending yourself or others.

**How do you make that first step after a rift in a friendship? **

The first step is to assume the other person is always acting in their own interests and never against you. We should also always give them the benefit of the doubt. This alone will make things shift. You’re also better off refraining from blaming others. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter who’s to blame. Besides, there’s no way of knowing. It can also help to simply trust that that the world isn’t out to get you. Sometimes you need to separate for something new to emerge. This could just be down to the stage of development we happen to be in. But if we don’t argue, we’re sometimes unable to allow separations to happen, as we tend to cling on to familiar things too much. But it might actually be good that something’s ending, as it frees up space for something new.

**How do you go about establishing some kind of peace, or maybe even reconciliation? **

The first step is to forgive. Both yourself and the other person. Forgiveness is a game changer. We sometimes resist forgiveness, so we can hold on to wanting to be right. That’s why I love the following question: do you want to be right or happy? Healthy conflict can only happen when you stop needing anything from the other person. And when you share your feelings and thoughts without trying to manipulate them. This happens when you take responsibility for your own feelings instead of making the other person’s behaviour responsible for how you feel. The latter is a pretty crazy concept isn’t productive. But that’s what we were taught. We behave as if other people have the power to put feelings inside us. When, in fact, their behaviour only triggers a feeling that was already there in the first place. This also explains why some remarks trigger us and others don’t bother us one bit. It’s not the remark that’s the problem, but the feeling triggered by it. Once we acknowledge this, talking and arguing takes place on a totally different plane. You’re no longer in hurt child mode but in self-connected adult mode.

**When is it worth giving friendship another go after a deep rift? **

This is worth trying if you can let the other person be as they are and accept them with all their facets. That’s the case when you can accept or are maybe even grateful for the fact that the other person will trigger you and you can take full responsibility for your response to that. You could even take those triggers as opportunities to heal old wounds – simply by being grateful for the insight they give you. After all, there’s obviously an issue within you that’s demanding some healing.

**And when is there no point trying to mend a friendship? **

Making up always makes sense, because it’s about forgiveness and positive closure. However, making up doesn’t necessarily mean the friendship will persist. Sometimes it’s time to end a friendship, simply because both people have grown in different ways and are prioritising other things in their lives. We have such a romantic notion of friendship and cling on to the idea that the longer a friendship «lasts», the better. But I believe that friendships can sometimes also be a huge hindrance when it comes to personal growth. Consciously separating with a sentiment of gratitude and appreciation for the time spent together can feel very empowering and can be a way to cherish the friendship in the long run.