«Tantra is about love, not sex»

Life is sex and sex is life. This is the core principle of Tantra, an Indian philosophy. It might be summarised in just one sentence, but it’s more complex than it appears. Contrary to popular belief, sex is only a small part of Tantra. But then again, everything in Tantra is about sex. Confused? So am I. Mahara McKay is a Tantra teacher and talks me through what this contradiction is all about.

Let's talk about sex

The definition of sex plays a key role in Tantra. «In Western culture, sex refers to sexual intercourse. In the context of Tantra, the word has a different meaning. It means constantly making love, includes the physical act but isn't limited to it. Practising Tantra means making love with everything you do,» Mahara explains. This is probably the reason why Tantra is often reduced to its sexual component. Something seems to have been lost in translation. According to Mahara, only about eight percent of Tantra deals with our understanding of sexuality. «What Tantra practitioners call sex is the attraction between two poles. It’s a kind of magnetism that you observe. For example, when a bee pollinates a flower, or when you breathe in and out. One isn’t possible without the other.»

Sensual awareness

«Tantra is ongoing meditation. It's about always being present and experiencing everything you do with all your senses,» says the 39-year-old. «Nowadays, when we date someone, we reduce them to what we first see. How’s the person dressed? What does he or she look like? And then we pigeonhole them. We ignore all our other senses. After all, who’d go up to someone and smell them? Who’d focus on listening to the sound of someone’s voice? In Tantra, it’s important to sharpen all your senses, to pay attention to them and to use them with full awareness.»

Tantra for couples

Humans activate all their senses when they're in love. «If we were to divide a person into three bodies symbolically, this person would have a physical, an emotional and an energetic body. So-called sacred sexuality is about loving your partner as a whole and including all these aspects.» In other words: you don’t only love someone’s beautiful eyes or long hair, but also their hooked nose, their wrinkles, their belly fat and their irks and quirks. «You feel the energy of this person and accept everything they are.» When you’re making love, this means leaving the light on and seeing, smelling, tasting, hearing and feeling what you’re touching.

If you really understand Tantra, you can also apply its techniques to your sex life, Mahara tells me. «This makes the entire love act feel orgasmic – not just the climax itself. There’s no goal and time doesn’t matter.» This also means the act can extend over hours. «You can also experience this feeling – let's call it an energetic orgasm – when you’re doing the dishes or lying in the sun. It makes your entire body vibrate without you or anyone else touching you.»

This might sound simple, but it’s an art. An art that may, but doesn’t necessarily have to, take years to master. «Many give up too soon. They’re not willing to confront themselves, work on themselves and let go of being a victim. In Tantra, your personality, your mindset and being honest with yourself are key. That's scary. It doesn’t allow for any clinging, projecting or manipulating. It’s about being free, letting go and giving without wanting anything back in return. You need to let go of all expectations.» This requires a lot of patience and understanding for oneself. Mahara explains that it’s important to admit mistakes, especially in a partnership. «We can only develop as individuals and as a couple if all parties are willing to constantly improve and are aware that they have to work on themselves without constantly looking for the mistakes in their partner. Honesty, gratefulness, mutual understanding, forgiveness and respect are the cornerstones. A relationship is a balancing act.»

Like a jigsaw puzzle

It’s all about finding inner balance. This includes body and mind. «Mindfulness and awareness are the same as Tantra. They’re all about the same thing,» she explains. «Living according to Tantra keeps your mind and body fit and healthy. With Ayurveda and yoga, for instance. It’s all part of Tantra. Yoga, for example, was originally practised with the intention of keeping the body healthy and flexible to prepare the body for meditation.» As Mahara adds, it doesn’t matter how you keep fit. «It doesn't have to be yoga. Find out what you enjoy and take care of your body. The first thing you learn in Tantra is to be kind to your body.»

So Tantra includes every aspect of our life. If your head is now spinning because you realise we've only scratched the surface, I understand. But don't forget, if everything goes hand in hand and is interwoven, starting with baby steps is fine and will make a difference. «Small exercises alone can teach you a lot about yourself and your partner. The fastest way to understand what Tantra is is to try it out,» Mahara concludes.

Want to know what these exercises are and how you can implement them? Find out in the next article. ☀️