The art of breaking up respectfully: tips from a couples coach

They’re among the best-known relationship experts in Switzerland, both individually and as a team. Amel Rizvanovic developed a special workshop with his wife Felizitas Ambauen (you may know her podcast «Beziehungskosmos»). The course «Paarcours – beziehungsweise werden» has been specially designed for couples who want to work on their relationship even though they’re not at breaking point.

But what if you’re past that stage? It doesn’t always have to escalate, even if it hurts to see your relationship fizzle out. The art of a respectful break-up lies in recognising responsibilities, grieving over any hurt and forgiving yourself and your counterpart before moving on. I asked coach Amel Rizvanovic for some advice.

Amel, what happens when you’re heartbroken?

Amel Rizvanovic: A lot – both physically and mentally. Everyone feels this pain differently. Some experience stomach problems, circulation issues, insomnia, listlessness or general malaise and loss of appetite. On a psychological level, we feel hurt, abandoned, alone, sad, angry and sometimes all of the above. Each time we separate, the pain develops its own dynamics.

What are the stages of heartbreak?

In reality, there’s not one set path that lets you chart the heartache process. Everyone presents different coping behaviours at this time to make reality more palpable and to ensure some things are easier. However, there are certain pathways that can give an overview of such a stage. One of them starts with shock, which is triggered by trauma. This is followed by a reaction, which takes the form of anger and sadness, for example. You can seesaw between these two emotions. In a later stage, you reflect with a certain emotional distance and reorient yourself. This creates the basis for the fourth stage – the fresh start.

How else might we react after a break-up? Are there other paths?

There are, for instance, the five well-known phases of mourning cited by thanatologist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. As separation involves the loss of a loved one, this emotional state is similar to grieving death. In this case, the first stage is denial, as you’re often in shock at first and have to process that this is happening now. Realisation is followed by anger or rage. You need to let your emotions out. The third phase is bargaining, which is the attempt to undo the loss and pain associated with it. And when that doesn’t help, depression sets in, accompanied by heaviness and darkness. And it’s in this moment that everything catches up with us. Like a leaden mass, forcing us deep down into sorrow. The fifth stage is acceptance. Even if it sounds banal, this stage is the most difficult to master.

Why is it so difficult to accept a break-up?

Acceptance means letting go – many people confuse this with «understanding». Really understanding that the relationship has come to an end and why is hard enough at times. But we still sometimes hold on to it unconsciously. Perhaps the final letting go – in the form of acceptance – is still too painful and scary.

And how long are you «allowed» to be heartbroken?

I think this question is tricky: it’s impossible to give a sweeping generalisation. The length and intensity of the relationship play a big role in heartbreak. As do factors such as attachment style (secure or insecure) and how the relationship ended. Setting a clearly defined period just stigmatises people. And it suggests that after that time, you need to have stopped grieving the end of the relationship otherwise something’s wrong with you. To my mind, that’s extremely problematic.

In that case, what affects how someone processes a break-up?

The loss of this bond during separation reactivates old attachment styles from our childhood. If you’re more securely attached, it’s admittedly a difficult and painful experience. But the ground won’t necessarily pull away from under your feet in such an extreme way. It’s why I have a completely different experience of the whole process now than when I tend to be insecurely attached. Other important questions to take into account include: how much emotional depth did the relationship have? What was the foundation you built the relationship on and what was it like? What did you go through together? What highs, lows and life events did you experience? Were you emotionally close? And then there’s the way you separated, which can sometimes be very hurtful. In addition, we can’t overlook the fact that in some cases, break-ups tear an entire family apart. This can also be the case for a circle of friends, acquaintances, relatives, neighbours, kids or pets. Separating is complex.

Has the value of partnership changed in society?

Nowadays, couples are subject to more expectations than in the past, because the role of partnership has changed. Romantic relationships have replaced marriages of convenience, and with increasing equality for women, we’ve witnessed economic emancipation. More independence leads to people being on a more equal footing. And that means the balance of power has shifted. As a result, women today can demand the kind of relationship they want and give weight to their desires and needs. This development has fundamentally changed the nature of couple relationships. And that’s a good thing.

Are there other influences that have changed modern relationships?

In the past, we looked to religion for meaning and direction, but that’s also changed radically due to progressive secularisation. This development has led to a vacuum in many areas in which religion traditionally gave us support and direction, including the great question of meaning. What gives us an overriding sense of meaning today, given that religion has lost its place in that arena? One answer: work and relationships. In the world of work, purpose and meaning have been trends for quite some time. We also overload our partnerships with a huge amount of expectation in terms of what it has to give us.

Surely that doesn’t work out well?

We think our partner should be exciting, but at the same time calm and stable, sexy, wild, but reliable and balanced; spontaneous and adventurous, but also controlled, structured and analytical; enthusiastic and self-confident – but, of course, also tender and sensitive as well as being solid as a rock. Very close, and yet also unapproachable. Your best friend, loyal companion and, at the same time, partner-in-crime. The amazing couples therapist Esther Perel says: «Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did.»

How do you know if the relationship is still salvageable?

There isn’t a universal answer to this question. But as with break-ups, there’s also a model to illustrate this. And more specifically John Gottman’s «four horsemen of the apocalypse». The first horseman is criticism. This refers to you as a person. In other words, if you criticise your partner’s character and them as a person rather than a particular type of behaviour. This is followed by justification (the second horseman – editor’s note), because criticism always leads to defensiveness. Along the lines of: if you throw a stone at me, I’ll throw it back at your greenhouse. You mostly spot the third horseman, stonewalling, in the advanced phase. It comes in different forms but is one of the most common strategies of emotional avoidance. Meaning that you close down and retreat to your castle behind its high, thick walls. Stonewalling is a common protective strategy, especially for men.

We’re missing the fourth apocalyptic horseman – what’s their role?

They represent contempt. This toxic, disparaging interaction not only happens in private, but often in public, too. It becomes sarcastic, cynical, hurtful and goes below the belt. Contempt is the most poisonous of the four horsemen. Basically, the more often it occurs, the more difficult it is to find an appreciative, loving and healthy togetherness in the relationship again.

Can you ever part ways peacefully?

It’s probably not the norm, but there are couples who manage to break up in an adult way. Yes, you can do it respectfully and with dignity. But it’s a big challenge. Because it requires being able to rein in and control your ego and impulses to some extent. What’s pivotal is the conflict with your own feelings and needs. In other words, what effect is this having on you right now? How do you feel? Are you angry, defiant, sad, powerless, abandoned? Or is it even a mixture of different emotions? You can work out what you need right now based on your emotional state. The next step would be to learn how to deal with the other’s needs in an adequate way that will nurture the relationship. How do you channel your anger in an appropriate and healthy way? How do you deal with the feeling of abandonment? What are appropriate ways to deal with grief?

That sounds like a lot of work.

Getting in touch with your own feelings and needs and then responding to them in an adult manner is a fine art and often extremely difficult when it comes down to it. Couples who manage to separate peacefully do lot of work on what’s known as the adult ego. Some people manage to do this on their own, while others find it helpful to seek professional support.

How can couples and separation therapy help here?

It’s not about finding the guilty party, but about understanding the dynamics of the relationship and separation. Sometimes a professional can help you better understand what happened and unpack the «why» of the break-up. As well as helping you uncover what your part is in this dynamic. By part I mean: what are your (perhaps to a certain extent unintentional) patterns and behaviours that are a difficult element to you and that played a role in the relationship? At best, a process like this helps you get a more nuanced and productive view of the relationship. Which can be very helpful for acceptance. Basically, couples counselling or support during a break-up is an attempt to help a couple be less in unconscious autopilot mode and instead take a more conscious approach to the direction. When we better understand the dynamics and the part we play, it’s a huge and helpful step.

Does professional support also help for future relationships?

Yes, because instead of just asking what you expect from your future partner and the relationship, it can be valuable to ask yourself what version of yourself you’d like to be in your next partnership?

«Let’s stay friends» – illusion or a real possibility?

In some cases, it can be quite helpful to establish a civil relationship with your ex-partner. But this can also mask avoidance. Essentially, the desire to separate with as little pain, drama and trauma as possible. And just stay friends. I try to go easy on the other person – and especially myself – and avoid the very unpleasant feelings that come with separation. It’s all too human and totally understandable. But...

I guessed it. There’s a catch.

Yes, because at the same time, you need a healthy distance during a break-up. Especially early on so that you both have enough space and can go through the painful process in a protected environment, without constantly triggering old wounds. That’s why I find it rather difficult to see friendship as a direct linear continuation of the couple relationship. How much closeness you can tolerate and how much distance you need varies and can change over time.