The strange freedom of parenting older children
When your kids start becoming more independent, an old, almost unfamiliar feeling creeps over you: the notion of having time to yourself. That peace and quiet you’ve been yearning for, however, suddenly feels slightly unsettling.
The clock is ticking. A sound I haven’t noticed in a long time. I’m sitting on the sofa on a sunny afternoon, and there’s... nothing going on. Just unadulterated peace and quiet. A quiet that immediately triggers a certain restlessness within me. Evidently, nobody needs me right now. And that means a stretch of sweet, sweet free time during the day, all to myself.
I don’t have to immediately use this newfound time to do the grocery shopping, fold laundry or do any of the other chores that keep everyday life ticking over. All that can wait for another couple of hours, so I’m free to just go for a run first. Before I do that, though, I stare at the shadows on the wall for a little longer.
So, why does the peace and quiet feel so strange? To explain, I’ll need to wind back the clock a couple of years. You see, just as the birth of a child turns every aspect of your daily life upside down, some aspects of parenting slowly fade away over time.
You’re pushed for time – and having the time of your life
Suddenly, everything’s different. What used to be free time is now family time. In those early years of parenthood, family time takes up practically every waking second before and after work. You learn to function even when your body’s screaming for a break. When you’re done at the office, you head right over to the daycare centre. Immersing yourself in your child’s world soon feels as natural as breathing.
You’re often dashing around, wracked with guilt about not making it home earlier or finishing everything on your to-do list at work. You wake up when your little one cries. And fall asleep on the floor, one hand still outstretched through the bars of the cot, grasped by five tiny fingers.
The bond between you and your child becomes the common thread running through daily life. You have to work out how to take a five-minute shower or go to the toilet in peace. Wearing sweatpants becomes less, as Karl Lagerfeld put it, about losing control over your life and more about making a sensible choice.
In fact, you’ve never had so much control over your life – and the other little life or lives you’re responsible for. Initially so closely intertwined with yours, your children’s lives unravel from your own so slowly that you don’t even notice it at first. You have zero time to yourself. But it’s also the time of your life.
You, your child and their friends
The magic of those early years soon takes on a new dimension; your child starts taking an interest in other children. Strangers from the neighbourhood turn into acquaintances and friends because they have children of a similar age. You bump into each other here and there, slipping into a new role as you do so. Your free time is now spent at play parks; declining to taste sand pies, pushing the little ones on the swings and playing peacemaker when conflicts break out.
Source: Michael Restin
Some children get along beautifully. Some parents get along beautifully. Meanwhile, the thought of other groups of playmates makes you break out in a sweat. You know you won’t get five minutes of peace. And you don’t have a clue why the kids insist on continuing to play together despite the fact they’ll inevitably fall out.
The question «our place or yours?» can make or break your nerves. Every squabble becomes a test of fortitude; will you manage to stay neutral when your child or their friend comes to you in tears? The less the little ones can self-regulate, the more you’ll have to pull yourself together.
Time stretches out like chewing gum. Constantly keeping an eye on your watch, you secure five minutes of peace by buying everyone ice cream. But lo and behold, when a parent WhatsApps you to ask if they can pick up their little one an hour later than planned, you still reply with «Sure, no problem 🙂». Again, this time passes in the same way it came – by creeping up on you.
Out of the trenches and into the school system
Although you’re now better able to plan your time, there’s a trade-off when it comes to freedom. The more routine is brought into your kids’ daily lives, the more your time comes back to you.
Source: Michael Restin
Once your child makes the transition from daycare to just a few hours of kindergarten each day, the super-flexible drop-off and pick-up windows become fixed times. At this age, your little one’s utterly indifferent to whether the big hand on the clock is pointing up or down or whether the little hand’s pointing to eight or nine. So you need to be the one to step up and motivate them.
A task that often feels overwhelming, given that your child has a mind of their own. If you think about it, they’re actually right in their approach to time. There are better, more pleasant things to do than dashing to and fro through everyday life. Your kid takes all the time in the world to watch ants crawling on the edge of the pavement, taking no interest in the fact the lights have already gone green three times.
It’s you who’s pushed for time, not them. Plus, being in a rush all the time often means walking through the world with blinkers on. Funny how we often have to make time for stuff, rather than having the time to do it.
As your child begins adjusting to a new daily reality, other places you used to frequent fade away. Eventually, the play parks where you spent all those hours take on the air of abandoned places. You even stop noticing them, unable to put your finger on when exactly they slipped out of your life. There comes a time when you no longer have to stand by the climbing frame, arms outstretched. And eventually, a time when you’re no longer needed at the park at all.
Source: Michael Restin
Tolerate your kids’ newfound freedom – and shape your own
With school come new experiences, new friends, new hobbies – and a new role for you as a parent. You become increasingly reliant on your kids to tell their stories and put their experiences and feelings into words. If a conflict breaks out elsewhere, you’re now unable to intervene directly. You turn into an advice-giver, a sparring partner – and a fun sponge when screen time becomes yet another time issue to test family harmony. You have to come to terms with no longer being constantly needed, and being bad-mouthed more often.
At the increasingly common sight of your child’s closed bedroom door, you’re hit with the realisation that the intense, tough, magical early childhood phase will soon be over. Rather than coming home to play, the no-longer-quite-so-little ones either disappear outside, or come trooping in with a group of pals. Constant hustle and bustle is replaced with a fluctuation between calm and storm.
And when your child says they’ll be back at 6 p.m., you find yourself looking at your watch increasingly often. Especially when the big hand goes ticking past the time you’ve agreed on. You have to learn to tolerate your children’s freedom – and to shape your own. When you do, you’ll be sitting there in much the same way as me. Alone with the sound of your own thoughts and feeling a little discombobulated at first. Why the discomfort? If you ask me, it’s because letting go of your kids requires more courage than holding on to them.
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Michael Restin
Senior Editor
Michael.Restin@digitecgalaxus.chSimple writer, dad of two. Likes to be on the move, shimmies through everyday family life, juggles with several balls and occasionally drops something. A ball. Or a remark. Or both.
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